it's been a while...

i realized that i hadn't actually updated on here, as a lot has gone on. there was a lot of "rockiness" that went on between me and mike, but i can honestly now say that being back together and where we are at is where we should have always been. with a lot of drama that went on between the both of us, we mutually came to the conclusion that we loved each other and didn't want to be without the other for the rest of our lives. we had been together too long and had been through too much to just let it drift away. we made a few tweaks and oiled the gears, and now it seems to be running smoothly and effortlessly. there were a lot of people that were skeptical, called me a fool for going back, said i was doing the wrong thing... but at the end of the day i knew what was right in my heart. i know that most of the comments made were only out of concern, that they didnt want to see me hurt again, but i knew i had to do it. no one else was in this relationship other than him and me, so i felt that it was hard for people to judge us based on small blips of our actual relationship.
i got some insight from some wonderful people though, and it truly made me realize who was really looking out for me and my happiness, and not the judgmental, opinionated side of things. Dj and my aunt cyndi gave me some awesome talks... whether they were in person or email... and it made me so happy that they didnt judge at all! they gave their opinions, past experiences, and told me what i could expect from other people. i was never told by them, "don't do it. you'll only get hurt again. don't be a fool." and i couldn't be more thankful.

finals came and went in the end of may, and i was really nervous. I ended up getting 3 B's and a B-. Considering what my grades were while i was still working... i was and still am amazed. I know that two of those grades should have been C's, and i think my teachers graded on a curve. it's so funny that i actually now get upset thinking that i could get a C on my record while here at fullerton. i have definitely changed a lot since high school ;)

then right after finals, me and my brother, joey, went on a much needed trip to san diego. we stayed for three nights and went downtown, sea world and the san diego zoo. we took our cameras and shot endlessly, ate ice cream, played in the arcade, relaxed in the hotel jacuzzi and walked to wendys at 10 at night (and got a tad accosted by some drunk guy). he was having some trouble with his ex-gf and me and mike had literally just gotten back together. i knew that i would need a breather to get my head straight, especially after just finishing finals.

i still dont have a job. i need a part-time one, but im waiting for my jumpstart interview next week. im hoping that once i get my financial aide stuff back that it will say i am elligible for work study so i can get paid to do my hours as well. a part of me doesn't want to look for a job and just relax while i can... but im starting to run out of money, haha. mike has been super supportive of me leaving my job. he is realizing more and more how hard it is to work graveyards continuously. i am super excited for him though because he got into the graduate program at fullerton! there were 80 applicants and only 20 got in. he was uber smart when he got his bachelors, i think he got all A's and only 1 B... or something crazy like that.

I am very happy. since we have been back together, mike and i have gone on a short 1 night vegas stay, gotten passes to raging waters, and have started to eat healthy and exercise together. we have realized that we needed to spend more time together, and that was really hard when we were both working conflicting schedules... which is why i think he doesnt always mind that i dont work right now. andddd.... we also got a new kitty!! his name is bumblebee like the transformer :)


so life is good. we start school in a few weeks..... and im such a nerd for admitting this but i am excited to be taking a biology class and kinesiology class!!!! i think i like taking science and math classes because there are (pretty much) absolute. like taking english classes are so subjective... i can write one paper where teacher A really likes it but teacher B says, eh its ok. so we will seee!!!

and i had to put this video up. i got it from angry julie monday :) i thought it was hilarious!!!!

Life

Has a funny way of showing you which direction to go towards. This last month and a half has been almost more than I can handle. Mike and I broke up, so that meant moving out of the apartment and back home. I felt so ashamed that after 3 years living away from home and getting my heart broken from a 5 year relationship, that i felt like i was turning into a kid all over again. i was embarassed to move back home, and a little apprehensive because of the circumstances, and i didnt know what to expect. I thought i was going to be coming back home and it was going to be exactly like it was right before i moved out, but it wasnt. everyone at home was glad to have me, despite the circumstances. ive grown to really like living back at home. I was starting to try and adjust to the new environment, what it was like to be single after so long, and then mike and me got back together after about a month.

he started to tell me all the things ive always wanted to hear from him. i knew he meant it, and i know that he still does. the little things that we were lacking in the relationship were suddenly there, so i followed my heart and went back into it. things were great, it was like the beginning of a relationship, but it started to die down again, apparently. he now told me that it just "doesn't feel right" anymore. he doesn't want to force things, and that moving in together screwed up our development as a couple. he said he likes being alone, and that i deserve someone who will support my decisions more, take care of me when i need it more and be there for me more. apparently he felt that it wasn't him to do that, and that he was unhappy. of course this leaves me heartbroken, again. although this time, it isn't as difficult. i know in my heart that our relationship would have been something spectacular if he would have put the effort into it. i cant help it that by nature im a supporter, and only want to please other people. making other people happy truly makes me happy.

i think too that my decision to resign from my job also was a spark in this as well. i knew that he wouldn't like it, but because he didn't really have a say anymore in my personal finances it was different. i have had so many problems that are work-related. first and probably the most important, is my heart and body. my heart is getting worse dealing with being awake at these hours. im getting more palpitations and my chest has been really tight/shortness of breath is like, all the time now. i went to the doctor's and had an ekg, then went to get blood drawn. waiting for results to see if it could be my thyroid. then he said i may need to go and see a cardiologist and do some 24 hour heart monitor crap. then my mom just found out that my grandma and great grandma had a pro-lapsed heart valve, that her (and possibly myself) may also have. just what i need, more strain on my freaking heart right now.

another reason is because of school. because i am living back at home and have some money (now that it no longer is being saved towards our future house) i have the opportunity to make school my top priority. this job has hindered my performance there, i always seem too tired to do anything when im not working, and some of my progress (or lack there of) is proof of that. i don't want to go throughout life and later on look back and regret not taking a chance. im at a time in my life where i deserve to be a little selfish and think about myself and my future, even if it's taking risks to do so. i really believe in my heart that this is the right thing to do, and i think its time that i follow my heart. i know that heart-following can cause pain, but i know that it's right. *3rd reason being some trouble i've had with someone at work, but i'm not going to talk about that on here right now*

and on a lighter note, i've lost 4 pounds! our family has been doing this detox thing for the last week, and i was getting a little bummed because it seemed like everyone else was losing weight and i wasnt. but then all the sudden, it dropped. its so cool, so im hoping that i can keep it up. we've had to drink 8oz of this mixture of cranberry juice, lemon juice and apple cider vinegar, 3 times a day. its a little shocking, but you get used to it. then we've been eating veggies and fruits, with minimal starches, minimal dairy and no meats. it makes it much easier to do since everyone in the house is doing it as well. plus, boca burgers are really good with some vegetarian cheese!!

so, ultimately, my heart is still in some pain right now, i still have trouble breathing, but i keep going day by day. plus, since i have some money to spend, that's literally burning in my pockets.... i might be planning a little something to happen next month. i like spending a little $$ on my brother... so we'll see if my plan will unfold. im blessed to have someone in my life who cares about me so much :)

off to disneyland soon i hope! i finally have a pass! woo hoo! :P

a long blog is soon to come. stay tuned...

CHRISTMAS DANCE!!!!

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

my horrid 20 minutes

So today Mike wanted McDonalds for lunch, chicken nuggets to be specific. I am not a big fan of Mickey D's anymore, but I don't mind getting him lunch. So I get in my car and remember that my gas light is on.
Crap.
Well, then I think to myself, "It's ok, there's a Shell station right next to McDonalds, so I can get gas right before I get food."
So I pull into the gas station and realize that all of the pumps say they are out of order. WTF?!? ugh. So I pull to the side to pull out my handy dandy iphone to find the nearest gas station. Here is a picture of where I am at...



So that car pulls up behind me, and starts freaking honking. Ok. There is plenty of room to go around me, and it's an empty place, so it's not like I'm "holding up the line." And I'm like, whatever asshole. So he finally goes around. Then I remember that there's a Mobil station not too far, so I turn around, pull out of the gas station and am at the other stop sign to the main street. I'm about to turn when asshol gets behind me again and lays on the horn. What the hell?! So I'm all pissed, flip him off, and go on my way. I get to Mobil, fill up, and make my way back to McDs. Super long ass drive thru line, whatever. So I order Mike his 20 piece chicken nuggets and 8 barbeque sauces. I finally get up to get my food and here's how the intelligent conversation goes...

Guy: Do you need any ketchup?
Me: uh, yeah. Are there any bbq sauces in there?
Guy: Yeah, there's two.
Me: Well I need 6 more.
Guy: Uh, no.
Me: (sarcastically) Uh, yeah. I told them I needed eight.
Guy: looks at receipt Oh, ok.

Like it being on the fucking receipt makes a difference? And who the hell are you to tell me NO?? I'm paying for this GD food. Grrrrrr.... but I finally am on my way home and start to leave McDs, and pass by the Shell station again...

...only to see that the pumps are now open.







DUN DUN DUN!!! haha, horrid horrid day.

geh.

I'm in another one of those weird moods. I can't seem to grasp the branch that is just out of reach, taunting me and telling me that it will take me to happiness. I get stuck in these ruts where I just want to be home with Mike. I become overwhelmed with this feeling of insecurity and fear and never really know how I got there in the first place. This fear that spreads throughout me like cancer is one of losing Mike, of never seeing him again. After Charly passed away I thought that I would have a better grip on my fear of death, but it only seems that it has worsened. I become afraid that I will leave the house never to see him again. I think about what I would do if something ever happened to him, and even though we aren't married, we are a family. It literally tears my heart in two just thinking about such a horrible event. I don't know what I would do with myself without that other half picking up my slack, knowing how to make me laugh when I'm mad, or caring about my well-being every second of the day. I just want to curl up next to him, feel his warmth and fall asleep. It makes me feel secure to have him there, even if he rolls back over after a few minutes; but I know that "spoons" me because I feel safe and comforted by it.
I guess I should just count my blessings and be appreciative that I have someone so wonderful in my life... but it's hard knowing that someone you love very much can disappear forever, especially when it's happened to me before with Charly.
I don't know. I'll figure something out... I'll probably feel better when I get to see him in the morning come home from work. I just wish I didn't have to feel this way.

I AM...

-ready for this election to be over with
-sick of people's bullshit
-realizing that i need to stop trying to impress people
-a screw up sometimes, i admit it. but damnit i'm human
-proud that i have a few really close friends
-skeptical of some people's motivations
-hoping to pass all my classes this semester
-upset that NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ELEVATOR ETIQUETTE!!! gah.


yup.